Blue

It's Mental Health Awareness Week and twitter is awash with blue avatars of wonderful people supporting this cause.

One of my favourite charities is Beyond Blue. The reason for this is because four and a half years ago (or thereabouts) I suffered from a form of depression that is so very common yet rarely talked about even now: Post Natal Depression.

It was a very horrible time in my life. I had a form of post natal depression that was fueled by anxiety. I was certain that my newly born son was going to die. It haunted my every breathing moment. All I wanted was to shield him from the world and protect him forever. I was certain if someone tried to do anything to him I would put myself before him. Had anything happened to him, I would have quite possibly never made it myself.

On top of this anxiety that harm would befall him, was my inability to breast feed him. We struggled for 11 long weeks. I had to use a nipple shield which meant I barely left the house, because as anyone who has ever had to use one knows, it's impossible to feed in public without everyone getting a good look at your breast and I was not at all the type of person comfortable with flashing my boobs in public (4 yrs and 3 kids later it's a different story!!! lol). We were virtually isolated inside and I was going insane. Literally.

I rang the breast feeding association. I have to say, I encountered the most unhelpful woman ever. I was crying. A lot. I could barely talk. My son wasn't feeding. He was crying. You know what she said to me? She said, "let me send you an info pack, it's obvious from your tears that you're desperate to breast feed him" ... an info pack??? Hello? My life was and had been in hell for the past 9 weeks. An info pack? Lady, I needed help, and I needed it right then. As I was living in Perth at the time, I rang the local parent help line at Ngala (wonderful peeps who continued to provide support for 4 years) and got a wonderful woman on the phone. She had suffered exactly what I had been suffering. She knew the pain I was in. She asked me, very gently, "Will he take a bottle?" "Yes." I said. We had been giving him bottles in between breast feeds as he was starving. "Then give him a bottle and DO NOT feel guilty about it. DO NOT." I gave him a bottle. He stopped crying. I stopped crying. I also made the decision to stop breastfeeding him and use bottles. He became a different child overnight. I became a diiferent woman. My depression lifted remarkably quickly as I was able to leave the house and not spend hours of every day crying.

As a bit of a postscript, I would like to mention that the lady from the Breastfeeding Association never did send me any information. I would also like to note that my 2nd child breast feed like a champion for 8 months, even after being a neonate baby and tube fed for the first week of her life. My third child was also a champion feeder, though I felt I was slipping into the depths of depression again after her birth, so I made the tough desicion to stop breast feeding her as I wasn't eating or looking after myself at all, so was therefore not really looking after her either. We lasted 3 months the third time.

So many people have an opinion about post natal depression. Every one is a doctor in their own heads. A couple of years after my depression I was finally able to talk about it. My cousin laughed at me and told me I was "sleep deprived". Even my own mother questioned whether I had had depression. No wonder we don't talk about this stuff. Every one laughs at you or tells you (ironically) that you are 'crazy' for thinking you're crazy.

After 3 children I am happy to say that I only suffered PND once. I was lucky to have a wonderful husband who stood by me and understood. Who helped me and who helped me get help. Who sat with me in the middle of the night and held my hand while I cried and tried to get Sprat to feed. He also knew the signs to look for after kids 2 and 3 were born and he read books and articles to better understand. Without him, my story might have ended differently, or after a lot longer.

So to anyone who suffers depression ... I know. I know how dark it can be. I also know that I am lucky to have come through unscathed, and after such a short time.