Broken

It hasn't happened for a long time now and yet after such a positive week I should have seen it coming ... Master 4 got to me so much today that he broke me. I wound up sobbing my heart out as I just didn't have the strength to deal with him anymore. Every day my ability as a mum is tested and on the whole I think I do okay ... but every now and then I get defeated. There are so many positives for parenting and I wouldn't change my life for the world ... but man is this the hardest job in the world or what? I feel a sense of guilt about going back to work, which I am sure I shouldn't but ... geez .... haha ... mother guilt. Arrives the day your first child is born and goes with you to your grave. Meh ... I'm okay, just had to get that off my chest. Back to regular programming ...

Busy :)

So I've been home for a week now, and I finally don't look tired anymore! I have had a very busy week checking over all the leases and profit/loss statements for the shop I want to buy. On Monday I meet with the landlord to have a chat about what she'll let me do to the shop. All being okay, looks like I will be going ahead! So excited! I have been researching brands and labels that I want in my shop and also checking out shops overseas to see what they are doing. I have been the busiest and most productive I have been in ages! I really want this to work ... urgh, I keep saying that I know, but this is my online journal so it's kinda like an affirmation of sorts! Anyway, I'm going to enjoy my weekend, do a bit more searching for things and then hopefully have some exciting news to share early next week!! :D

I have a dream ...

And for me, it's a big dream. I don't like to do things by halves. I like to think and dream big and this idea of mine is no exception. I am currently in talks to buy a business. It's only little and due to personal circumstances the owner has let it slip a fair bit. But it's there, and it is a platform to be developed and expanded. On Monday I will be meeting with the landlord of the building to see if she is as forward thinking as I hope she is.

Being hard working and very successful in the past has given me this unbelievable drive to do it all again. I have a passion for something that I believe I can manipulate into success. If I build it, they will come :)

I'm going to throw myself into this heart and soul and I hope that within a couple of years it is at the point that I can work 100% from home. Oh boy, I am so excited and optimistic right now!

Home

Home. Back to reality. My flight from LA to Melbourne was easy and uneventful. I was upgraded to Business class again for the flight home and I am glad as I got to sleep for about 6 hours. I was sitting next to a woman who was in Fashion and who had just done an uber 9 day trip of London, Tokyo, New York and LA. She was great to talk to and we chatted about all the things that I had done and now want to do and she offered me some great advice which I will take onboard and try to apply to my future.

The biggest news to come out of my time away is that it looks as though I may return to work full time and hubby will become a stay at home Dad!! This is both exciting and daunting, thinking that I will be the major breadwinner for the household. Although hubby can work from home as well, so at least it won't be solely on my shoulders. I have two major ideas at this time that I am looking into. Both involve possible travel which is something that I was hoping to incorporate into my career.

I am very optimistic though unsure of my abilities. If I were a more confident person I wouldn't have these worries. It is something I am going to work on. In LA I met lots of people in my everyday activities, like cab drivers for instance, some of whom offered changes to my perspective. One cab driver told me that my name was too plain. "No, no you cannot just be Penny. From now on you are Beautiful Penny." He was hilarious and wouldn't let me leave the cab til I had said what my name was maybe half a dozen times! Now while I still believe he was a bit over the top, the essence of what he said, to me, is that I need to believe in myself and believe that I am better than nothing. I'm certainly going to try.

So, wish me luck and let's hope that I can be "all that" and watch this space, as always, to see if I achieve my dreams.

Home time ...

So, it's nearly all over. It's nearly time for me to go home. Nearly time for a 15 hour flight over the Pacific. I can't wait to hold each and every member of my family. I'm looking forward to being back in Australia. Smelling the clean air.

My favourite moments from this trip? Seeing the Hollywood sign for the first time, the Getty Centre, Rodeo Drive and the Griffith Observatory.

I think I grew a lot on this trip. A lot of time alone, a lot of thinking done.

I'm taking so much with me, but I think I'm leaving a little piece of me here.

Last night in Santa Monica

So I'm sitting here in my room watching the sunset. Tonight is my last night in LA, although I don't fly out until around just after 11.30PM tomorrow so I still have one full day left here.

I have loved my time here, although I will be glad to get back to my family as I have missed them a lot. Apparently my little baby girl has moved from her bassinet to a cot since I have been gone and I missed that! That makes my heart faulter a little bit.

This time I have had alone has been really clarifying. I have made some decisions about what I am going to do with my life. I have never been more optimistic.

This last week here in LA has been great for me and I have done things that I have dreamt about for such a long time. Parts of my stay I will keep with me always.

I am so grateful that I got to experience this. It was a long time coming, but I have now done it, and I feel that I have gained a lot of independence and growth from this trip. Now the next bit is to apply this to my life back at home and hope that I can be an even better mum and try to have that career that I have always wanted.

Rodeo Drive

This morning I visited Beverly Hills, or more specifically, Rodeo Drive. It's very pretty which is to be expected given all the top fashion houses there. I walked all around Rodeo first before I visited any shops so that I could make my choices!

My first stop was a sunglasses shop where I indulged in a new pair (brand new Chanel ones, the first pair they had sold!). They are smokin' hot sunnies if I do say so myself. Next I wandered in to La Perla. Given my love of lingerie it was impossible to leave here without something. Mind you, and the price of La Perla I may frame the set I bought and hang it on the wall!!! I wandered all over looking at shoes shoes and more shoes, but I just cannot resist Jimmy Choo. The shoes there are impossibley exquisite so I had to buy another pair! I'm sooooo bad.

I then had brunch on Rodeo (yes, brunch peeps!) watching the world go by. Another stop in a few more shops and I then walked around for a few blocks.

I'm totally loving all the walking that I have been doing. Best way to explore a new place is to walk I reckon. It was getting pretty hot and I had a lot of bags :D so I decided to cab it back to Santa Monica. Today both my cab drivers have NOT tried to kill me (which is a first) so I got back to Santa Monica without needing defribrilation.

Ah, another successful morning in Los Angeles ....

The Getty Centre

Today I visited the Getty Centre, an architectural delight high up on a hill overlooking Los Angeles. I had been looking forward to seeing the Getty Centre so much and I am pleased to say that it lived up to all my expectations and then some. It wasn't just the arcitecture. Though that was brilliant and clean and wonderful. It wasn't looking at beautifully and meticulously landscaped gardens and sitting under some fabulous trees drinking it all in. It wasn't staring at beautiful beautiful paintings by Monet (my fave from the Impressionists) or Van Gogh, Rembrandt or Renoir. It wasn't even the brilliant photographs that graced the walls, showing people whose lives could be told simply through their eyes. No, for me, the Getty Centre was brilliant because of the views.

Unfortunately it was quite smoggy today, so my pictures are not much, but I could see all the way to Santa Monica and to downtown LA. It was BRILLIANT. Seeing a massive freeway cut right through the centre and glisten in the sun was something I have only ever imagined. The freeways here are like nothing I have ever seen before. I mean, I've lived in a city (hello Perth!) but your four lane Stirling Highway has nothing on seeing 12 lanes of traffic, all bumper to bumper cut through the landscape! And the smog of Melbourne? Pffft ... it's got nothing on here baby. But you know what? I love it. I totally love it. I'm such a city girl at heart I think! Don't get me wrong, there are soooo many things I love about the country, and that is where I want to be for my kids to grow up, but I think I have realised that I really truly love the city. The pace of it. The chaos. I adore it.

Tonight I risked a walk down to Santa Monica Pier in the DARK. And I am so glad I did. It has such a different feel to it at night. Was wonderful. I found a tank top that said Pirate Wench on it so I had to buy it!!

Now I'm having a few drinks and relaxing. Three more nights and days then I fly home. I miss my family tremendously but this has been so good for me to get away. Have had a lot of time to think and I know what I want to do with my life now. And you know what, I'll be damned if I let anyone steal this from me. From now on I know what I am capable of, and if anyone tells me otherwise, I'll tell them to go to hell. My 'Hollywood' dream will be a reality :D

From Hollywood to Melrose

I should actually begin by saying that yesterday I saw Santa Monica Pier, 3rd Street Prominade and took a wander down Main Street checking out all the little shops down there. I had a great day and walked heaps. Santa Monica Pier was fantastic to see, but what I liked the most was looking north to the cliffs and hills around Malibu. Totally gorgeous.

But the best part of my trip so far happened this morning. I went into Hollywood and saw the infamous Hollywood sign with my own eyes. Insignificant to some, I'm sure, but to me this was a 20 year dream come true. I am not afraid to admit that as I stood there tears came to my eyes at a dream realised. When I was 12, all I wanted to do was act (cliche, I know). But I did. I was so very passionate about it. I studied drama all through school and my two dear Drama teachers supported me the whole way through. My dream was always to go to NIDA to study and to hopefully make it big. Then in Year 12 I continued my drama studies but it got a lot harder and my beloved drama teacher retired and he was replaced by an English teacher. We didn't gel from the start, he was a teacher I had never liked and having him teach my favourite subject came as a real blow. Less than a quarter of the way through Year 12, just after I had out countless hours of preparation into my exam (which was a monologue performance) he told me that I was not good enough to persue acting. I was ugly he told me. My whole world came crashing down and I quit the subject and went on to complete Year 12 and high school with my dreams of NIDA shattered. So today when I saw that sign, what it meant to me came flooding back. How one person crushed my little confidence and ended a dream. Had I been a stronger person back then, I would have continued regardless, but I wasn't, so it all fell apart. I must have stared at that sign for half an hour today before I decided to walk thru Hollywood along Hollywood Boulevard looking at all the stars on the pavement. I kept walking. And walking. West along Hollywood Blvd, down along Sunset, all streets I have dreamed about for years. I walked all the way to Melrose Ave.

On Melrose I had a true LA moment that made me laugh. I was in Marc Jacobs looking at handbags and saw one that I absolutely loved. I asked if they had it in black. The sales assistant looked it up and said they did indeed have it in black and he would get it to show me. A few moments later he was back as he could not find it. 'Maybe it's in the window on the mannequin' he said, so he went to look. When he came back in the chick assistant said (total American drawl) 'oh ya know, I think Winona has it on loan' .... 'oh that's right she does' he said. 'Winona Ryder you know. I can get it back of her for you if you like. Her assistant just drops back stuff whenever ya know' ... I had to laugh. It's okay, I said (like I want a used handbag!!! I don't care if it was used by Winona, I wanted my OWN bag). Also, how come she only loans it??? She has waaaaaaay more money than me, she could have bought it with change no doubt. Anyway, I bought a different one, same style just smaller, then I got the guys to call me a cab. While we were waiting we got chatting and before I knew it they had drawn me maps (including directions to where tha paparazzi hang out!!) offered me water and champagne and told me all the cool places to check out. Was well worth the visit.

This afternoon I had a pedicure and a manicure (including the best arm and calf massage ever) then wandered down to Macy's (which looks EXACTLY like Myer) to buy another suitcase so I don't have to worry about not being able to fit all my stuff in. Now I am having a glass of wine and watching the sunset. Tomorrow I think I will visit the Getty Centre and drink in some of the arty side of California.

I really do love it here :D

Sunny Santa Monica!

Today I flew from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. It was a brilliant flight of only 40 minutes which I was so very happy about, especially as it was scheduled to be 1 hour and 10 minutes!! When I landed in LA it was noticably cooler than Vegas but much more humid. LAX is enormous! The biggest airport I have been in thus far.

I got a cab and left LAX for Santa Monica. My taxi driver was a French American hell bent on trying to get us killed in traffic! But he was a great conversationalist and told me all about 'Australian kissing' (apparently the french version of french kissing) and laughed hysterically at his own story!! We talked about all my kids and the fact that my hubby let me (I love that, every one says he let me come here ... does he own me? I sure as hell don't own him, nor he me, and we both like this arangement) come to the US alone. When he heard I had three kids he looked at me in the rear view mirror and said 'like making babies do ya??' with a raised eyebrow. Ho hum! But he was a laugh and totally harmless so I gave him a good tip (be kind to ya mum LOL) and he said he'd come back any time to give me a ride!!

My hotel in Santa Monica is unbelievably awesome!! I have an ocean view and a sliding door that opens onto a balcony (ie an inch wide with a railed fence) to let all the gorgeous breeze in. I was immediately reminded of Perth when I opened the door, especially when we lived in South Fremantle and the Freo Doctor used to come in every afternoon.

The afternoon flew by in a wonderful blur and before I knew it I had drunk a whole bottle of Veuve Cliquot by myself and realised I was exhausted. I flopped on the bed and fell asleep. Now I have a second wind and thought I would quickly write this before going to sleep. Tomorrow I plan on seeing Santa Monica Pier and 3rd Street Prominade for some shopping :D As always, you'll find out about my day here :D Night all!

Still living it up in Vegas

Last night was amazing!

It started at around 6pm when I went to see Cirque du Soleil performing Ka. I got to my seat and there was a photographer roaming around taking pics of people to commemorate their evening. She came and asked me if I'd like my pic taken and suggested she get one of the guys in character to sit with me. I thought that would be a good idea so I didn't look a complete loser :) So, she asked this guy who was so nice to come over. He started by asking me if I was flirting with him, then sat down and said "oh my you smell edible!!" The photographer took our pic and it took ages cos he kept making me laugh with all the flirting he was doing. Was a lot of fun!

The show started and it was AWESOME. Those guys sure know how to stun and amaze! They must be the fittest people on the planet too. The costumes were amazing and colourful.

At the end of the show the pics were available out the front. Mine was unreal. I am so glad that I got it taken. The photographer told me that she told the guy we'd make a cute couple ... awwwww :D

Then I came back to my room to have a few drinks for some dutch courage to go out alone. It's kinda hard to go out by yourself when most people are her with lots of other people or at least their partner. So I quickly drank a couple of beers then headed out. After a few laps of one of the bars here I forced myself to go inside and sit down. Luckily for me I ended up chatting to 2 Irish guys who arrived the same day as me and were starting a road trip. We had quite a few drinks which was not so good for me as the drinks hit me kinda hard and before I knew it I was a lot drunk!

I think I got in around 2 am then crashed. Unfortunately for me, I am cursed by a body clock that wakes early no matter what, so was up again at about 7am ... grrrr

Today I have had a great massage and lost more money on the slots. Thinking about heading out for one last look around, then will go out for a few drinks tonight before I have to leave early for the airport and LA tomorrow! So excited about going to LA. SO many things I want to do there and experience. Can't wait to be by the beach too.

Viva Las Vegas baby!!!

So, I am here! Finally!! It seems like forever ago that I booked my ticket for this trip, and yet it came around so so quickly. Now I am here and having a blast!

Yesterday went by kinda blurry, but I'm not surprised after 14 hours flying from Melbourne to LA, waiting 3 hours in a dodgy lounge with no fresh air, then another hour on a car with wings to get to Vegas! I then stayed up all day, went shopping and finally dragged myself into bed just before 11pm. I then had THE best sleep, so so deep and uninterrupted and woke up around 7am. That, for me, is a massive sleep!! I took it easy getting ready and have just visited the Bellagio shops this morning, where every shop I entered assistants wanted me to part with cash. Of course, me being me, I obliged in a few of them ;)

Now I am sitting in my room, having a coke, resting my feet for a minute before I head back downstairs to have a go on the slot machines. If I get enough courage, I may also have a go at one of the card tables! Knowing me though, that would result in empty pockets fairly quickly!

I have noticed that everyone tries to get you to eat more here. I ordered a salad for dinner last night, which was awesome I have to say, but it came with a side dish of THREE dinner rolls and SIX packets of crackers!! Plus, THREE portions of butter, which I might add are twice the size of Aussie portions!! Then this morning, I ordered coffee, juice and a croissant for brekkie, only to be asked if I wanted the continental brekkie because it came with two more pastries! No, I do not want to put on any weight while I am here, and get type 2 diabetes from all the extra food!! I have also been avoiding all the motorised walkways that are EVERYWHERE here and using my *gasp* own legs and feet to get places. Also getting used to walking on the right everywhere, though I have managed to crash into a few people cause I was on the left! Whoops.


So, it's off downstairs for me now. Going to see Cirque de Soliel tonight which should be fantastic. Have only been to one of their shows and that was awesome, so I am sure this one will be too. I'm hoping that I have some luck gambling, but am not going to hold my breath on that one!! :D

Some thoughts

What I am looking forward to:

Choosing what time I wake up, not being woken by a human alarm clock
Not having to check my top for spew before I go out the door
Being able to go out at any time of day
Not having to pack for 5 people
Not having to take a water bottle, vegemite sandwich and banana with me everywhere
Catching up with some special people
Being able to stay as long as I want in the shop of my choice
Staying up late and sleeping in
Shopping
Seeing LA and (cliche time) the Hollywood sign
Seeing the lights of Vegas
Not having to decide what to cook every night


What I am going to miss

The sound of my kids giggling
Miss 5mths gurgling as she drifts off to sleep and her big gummy smile
Miss 2 saying 'roos!' every time she sees a kangaroo and her kisses
Mr 4's totally brilliant drawing and his big cuddles
Hubby, in general, but particularly how secure he makes me feel
The clean air and bright stars that I am already so used to
My car and driving (may have to hire fancy pants car to take for a spin along coast)

But, oh my, I am so utterly totally 100% fantastically excited right now!!!

Starting packing today!

Okay, I think I am ready to start packing my suitcase. I have purchased everything I could possibly need to take with me including new clothes (hoping I am not the only person who buys new things to take on holiday when one of their main focuses of said holiday will be shopping). Now I am going to get my suitcase down and start throwing stuff in it. I am the ultimate overpacker so if I start now I will be giving myself a week to make some changes to my planned wardrobe. Being a denim freak though I am not entirely sure I can take less than 5 pairs of jeans though, so let's see where else I can cut down! Good thing it's summer in the US so I don't have to pack anything too bulky! The fear is starting to lessen now and I feel a bit more excited than I did a couple of days ago. I have been spending lots of quality time with my little Smirnoff (who will be 5 months old the day I leave) and getting lots of giggles out of her. I'm going to miss her the most I think. I know that's bad to have a 'favourite', but it's only because she is my baby that I will miss her the most. Have loaded lots of pics of the ferals onto my iphone so I can look at them when I'm away. I hope she doesn't change too much or do anything new while I'm gone. I've been there for all my kids 'firsts' and would hate to miss one! But enough about that, as it only makes me scared of leaving again!! Must be excited, it's truly going to be the best adventure! :D

Scared stupid :)

So I am now just over a week away from jumping on a plane for the trip of my lifetime (so far). I admit, I am scared beyond belief right now. There have been moments these last few days that I have had serious doubts about going and hubby has had to reinforce how good it is going to be and quell my fears to get me to look forward to it with excitement again. I'm scared of leaving my kids behind for 12 days, particularly the two littlest ones. I imagine that they'll change heaps and I'll miss it. On the other hand, I know in order to be a better mum I need this break away from them to rest and reinvent myself (it sounds corny, I know, but after more than 4 years of staying home I need something new to happen to me). I'm sure once I get my bags packed and get to the airport I will be bubbling with excitement (especially if my upgrade to business comes through!!) and looking forward to being able to chill out and relax on my 14 hour journey to LA. I'm sure I am just suffering from the jittters. I'll update how I feel this time next week, when I have only 2 days to go!!